MY TODDLER'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

  1. Lose 10 pounds... of crayons, mostly in the toilet or down the garbage disposal
  2. Travel somewhere new... like the clothes dryer or on top of the refrigerator
  3. Save more money... in my secret money hiding spot, where I also put mom's driver's license, dad's keys, and three leftover pancakes. Wait, where did I put all that again? Sorry, I forgot.
  4. Start exercising more... by aiming to climb out of my crib at least three times a week and doing twenty-five nightly jumping jacks on the couch.
  5. Organize mommy and daddy's photos. That means put them in the oven, right?
  6. Revamp my wardrobe... shorts in the winter, mittens in the summer, and underwear on my head!
  7. Stop procrastinating: it's finally time to urinate on every rug in the house.
  8. Find a significant other. I hear Elmo is single these days....
  9. Change my hairstyle. Step one: find the grown-up scissors.
  10. Adopt a new pet. Charlie Cockroach, you're the best.
  11. Turn my favorite hobby into a career. Who says you can't be a professional glue stick destroyer???