THE A-Z OF BEING A CRAZY NEW FIRST-TIME PARENT

  1. A is for allergies, which you may think you have, but no-- no-- it's a cold, it's a cold, stay away from my baby, you have a cold.
  2. B is for bottles, which must be discarded after 90 minutes or the backwash from your baby's saliva will cause her to get, uh, diphtheria or scurvy or something like that.
  3. C is for car seats, which must be installed by a professional and used for every mode of transportation, even just carrying her around the house, because you never know when someone is going to bump into you from behind.
  4. D is for doctors, who are basically fine except their waiting rooms are totally contaminated and there is no way we are going to wait with people who might be sick so we'll be over by the elevator bank and you can come get us when it's our turn please.
  5. E is for elevator buttons. Ugh, filthy. Can you press 4 for me? Thanks, I'd rather you catch hepatitis than me.
  6. F is for fontanelle, the soft spot on the top of a baby's head that's supposed to close by the time she's... wait, how old? Shoot, I need to call the doctor about that.
  7. G is for grandma, whose folk wisdom may have worked when life expectancy was 26 and the plague was striking everyone down anyway, but rubbing witch hazel on a baby's belly to cure constipation just doesn't seem like the right idea.
  8. H is for hand sanitizer, which is the greatest thing ever and-- oh no, I'm all out, PLEASE STOP TOUCHING THINGS!
  9. I is for immunizations. Why stop at one flu shot a year? I think three shots a week is the least a baby should need....
  10. J is for jackets, which are imperative no matter the weather because it's so easy for a baby to get cold and you might not even know and did you hear about the baby who died of frostbite in 84-degree weather? Or was it sunburn? I forget.
  11. K is for klonopin. I think I probably need a refill.
  12. L is for library, where sick kids and diseased homeless people hang out breathing germs onto all of the books. We'll save our reading for home, thank you very much.
  13. M is for mucus. Oy.
  14. N is for nuts, which I'm sure my baby is deathly allergic to, because why wouldn't she be, and so here's my epi-pen and please let me know if this is a nut-free library before this morning's storytime begins.
  15. O is for organ failure. What are the symptoms again?
  16. P is for playgrounds. In theory, we would go to playgrounds. But they seem really dangerous.
  17. Q is for quicksand, which is what lurks inside every playground sandbox, along with tapeworms and rat feces. So, no, we will not be playing in the sand....
  18. R is for registered sex offender, who lives 4 miles from here and looks like-- THAT MAN IN THE COFFEE SHOP WINDOW STARING AT MY BABY. Oh, wait, no, that's just a mannequin, sorry.
  19. S is for Sitter City, the website where my friends all find the monsters that are going to murder their children, or at least let them touch doorknobs, which is almost as bad.
  20. T is for television, or at least I think television still starts with T, though it's been a while since we've turned it on. Guidelines say no TV until age 2, but I think just to be safe we should keep her away from it until she's in high school.
  21. U is for UPS. We don't ever have to leave the house, thanks to Amazon Prime!
  22. V is for vegetables, which need to be an important part of your baby's diet right away, or she will grow up to be obese and unemployed. So even before solid foods start, make sure you're eating a pound or two of kohlrabi every day so the taste finds its way into the breast milk.
  23. W is for waking up, which obviously means your baby is in distress and needs you, so please rush in there right away and, don't worry, your baby will learn to sleep through the night eventually, maybe, hopefully, who knows, yawn, I'm tired, yawn.
  24. X is for x-rays, which cause cancer, instantly, 100% of the time, and so that's why she is never allowed to break any bones.
  25. Y is for Yale, which will never accept your baby unless she can read by 18 months, so you'd better get started with the phonics books.
  26. Z is for zipper. Zippers kill. Feel how sharp they are. That's all there is to it. No zippers.