THINGS I SAID TO MY TODDLER WHILE MAKING THANKSGIVING DINNER THAT I'M GLAD NO ONE ELSE OVERHEARD

(Some of these may be exaggerated.)
  1. "Please don't put your fingers in the gravy anymore."
  2. "Good idea, but I'm pretty sure your plastic dinosaurs would like to be removed from the stuffing."
  3. "The eggshells go in the garbage, not in the cranberry sauce."
  4. "Usually when we drop food on the floor, we throw it out-- but since that was all of our brussels sprouts...."
  5. "Did you lick all of the mushrooms, or just a few of them?"
  6. "Okay, okay, we definitely have to wash your feet right now since they touched raw turkey."
  7. "Sure, whoever finds the Lego man in the sweet potatoes can win a prize."
  8. "That might be enough kneading of the pie crust-- now pick it all up off the floor and give it back to me."
  9. "No, no, don't pour the gravy in-- oh well, I'll just add more sugar to the pumpkin filling to compensate."
  10. "Please don't put your fingers in the turkey anymore."