THINGS I WOULD SAY TO MY TODDLER IF I WAS REALLY BEING HONEST

  1. "I am currently eating something delicious that I don't want you to have. It is very yummy and I won't even give you a tiny bite because I want it all for myself."
  2. "Despite what I may have said at the time, that was really funny when you sang Mary Had a Little Poo instead of Mary Had a Little Lamb, and, in general, substituting the word Poo for other words in songs is a reliable way to make me laugh."
  3. "This children's book really sucks and the fact you want to hear it over and over again makes me think less of you as a person."
  4. "Of course the remote control works. You're just not allowed to watch TV."
  5. "I am trying to force you to take a nap more for my benefit than for yours."
  6. "You're right to be scared of the bath. People can drown. It's dangerous."
  7. "There is no real reason we have to leave the playground now except that I am tired of being outside."
  8. "No, nothing is actually going to happen to you if you don't bathe for a month."
  9. "I do have more raisins, I'm just not giving them to you."
  10. "We are going to the doctor. It is going to hurt. I hate the doctor too, and the people who work in your doctor's office are particularly mean ones."