THINGS THAT WOULD BLOW MY TWO-YEAR-OLD'S MIND IF HE EVER FOUND OUT

  1. Mommy and Daddy eat dessert every night after bedtime-- and often it's-- gasp-- MORE THAN ONE COOKIE.
  2. The TV set actually turns on and isn't just a mysterious sculpture aimed at the couch.
  3. Not everyone's favorite song is I've Been Working on the Railroad.
  4. Some toys make noise. (In order to preserve my work-from-home sanity, I've banned anything with batteries. Sorry, kid.)
  5. There are some mommies and daddies who don't have smartphones (and aren't constantly using them).
  6. There's a kind of milk that's made with chocolate.
  7. Abraham Lincoln was a real person; Arthur and Franklin are not.
  8. One day, far in the future, mommy and daddy might have to wear diapers again.
  9. Some people don't eat cheese.
  10. Animals are a lot friendlier in children's books than they are in real life.
  11. Nothing bad will actually happen if someone wears their shoes upstairs in the house.
  12. School is probably not going to ever be any more fun than it is now.