Highlights From the Verge Commentary on the Apple Event (Aka Shirt Tuck Status)

An abridged version of the @Verge's coverage. I learned everything. All these quotes are from their live coverage. So, not my jokes. A compilation. 💋
  1. First big bit of news today: Tim Cook's shirt is tucked in.
  2. Rose Gold Apple Watch is my new drag name.
  3. The Hermes band wraps around the wrist twice — it's a great way of letting people know you are too rich to accurately measure your wrist size like some sort of peasant.
  4. Filing that last update from Walt under #mossburns
  5. Phil Schiller: Untucked.
  6. I SEE A STYLUS.
  7. Jobs just rolled over.
  8. Video time. Jony Ive is going to talk about a pencil.
  9. Let's all pause for "unique tip signature."
  10. Eddy Cue: Untucked
  11. "People are clapping for screensavers." -Walt Mossberg
  12. "Siri, seriously, can you explain True Detective season 2 to me?"
  13. Eddy's back. Wearing same shirt as before. Taylor must have given it the okay.
  14. For younger viewers, Gilt was a hot startup from five years ago that basically fell apart but still exists to give you 8 dollars off a purse if you click fast enough.
  15. Lauren's phone just rang. She didn't listen to Zane.
  16. Customer satisfaction is off the charts. Science cannot measure how much people love the iPhone. Just give up, science — it's over.
  17. This music is like, an unreleased early 2000s Madonna sex jam.
  18. The rose gold iPhone is a great way to let people know you're auditioning for The Real Housewives of Tampa.
  19. Immediate question: will 3D Touch will work on Grindr.
  20. Would you rather name your children Autumn and Cole, or Peek and Pop?
  21. Craig just pressed deeper.
  22. "That's a pretty cool feature." -Walt Mossberg
  23. 3D Touch on your ex's Facebook profile to convey a wordless sense of regret
  24. 12 megapixels sounds great until you realize your face looks better blurry.
  25. Deep trench isolation, aka my Saturday night plans
  26. Phil 3D Touched a child and she came to life — it was spooky as hell.
  27. Did Apple just invent... videos?
  28. I already ran out of space.
  29. There is no escape from OneRepublic.