Maintaining the Perfect Hipster Lion's Mane, Explained

  1. Barely clean yourself.
    Not just the hair; the whole body. Like every few days. The oil from your body transfers to your grubby hands. Then play with your hair all day.
  2. If you have to wash your hair, sleep on it immediately after.
    At least 8 hours. This is what is meant by "beauty sleep".
  3. Cut your hair like a bonsai tree.
    Trim a little each day. Sometimes from the front. Sometimes the back. Talk to your hair while you do it. Just like plants need that CO2, so does your hair.
  4. Use tobacco smoke as a hair product.
    Your hair is probably too oily from the "light" bathing regimen you have take on. The smoke will act as a dry shampoo without having to wait a few minutes before shaking it out. It's also something you can do all day without people realizing you are styling your hair with your terrible habit. Pot smoke works as well, but probably has medicinal side-effects that might offset the damaged look we are going for here.
  5. To finish styling, wear ear-cans for at least 3 hours.
    It provides a certain type of wave that is irreproducible. Preferably said ear-cans are plugged into a fully analog amplifier/turntable. Digital music fucks up your hair. The jagged waves will cause premature breakage. And yes, you have to start calling them ear-cans.
  6. Wear vintage (or vintage inspired) clothes.
    Never wear something that doesn't make a nod to your mop. I wear a lot of yellow because it makes my brown hair shine a little more.
  7. Don't take it too seriously or you'll ruin the whole thing.
    Don't be precious. If someone touches it, or messes it up, just fucking leave it.
  8. Hang out with lions.
    They are much more chill than you think. Just don't touch their mane; we all have boundaries.
  9. Viola!
    I'm so sorry everyone. @dev made me do it. Oh, finally, last tip: never say hipster, it makes your hair fall out. I don't make the rules.
  10. And yes, some of this advice is contradictory.
    Shit's complicated. It's more of an art than a science.