never made it as my twitter bios, a running list

  1. this is what a 40yo bisexual divorcé/former cult member and wanna be drag queen looks like (h/t @Lisa_Fav)
  2. i always say i'm doing fine but really everything is a disaster, so i guess i'm just another american
  3. my only life hack is low expectations
  4. sorry my life didn't come in a matte finish
  5. if you can't fuck yourself, how the hell you gonna fuck somebody else? can i get an amen?
  6. you're born naked, and the rest is (a) drag
  7. never say no to analog
  8. don't fuck with me I watch a lot of procedurals
  9. I have Tori Amos's "Under the Pink" on pink vinyl
  10. i listen to bands that don't even exist yet
  11. I talk about speaking in tongues far too often
  12. I'm done doing things
  13. can you imagine a world without hashtags
  14. I'm about as useful in meetings as my name written on the wall in my stead
  15. I'm in too much denial to spend $88 on a t-shirt that says "I'm a mess" on it even though it feels v v honest and is essentially a mathematical proof
  16. I have three cults in the works
  17. better living through low expectations
  18. i've used the phrase "skin pantry" recently
  19. I'm either finding my true self or just perfecting a haircut
  20. you gotta live if you wanna die
  21. it took me 40 years to figure out I'm demisexual
  22. i operate out of fear therefore i am
  23. I died in my own arms and said nothing
  24. thinking things are ok is the greatest denial
  25. talent sucker
  26. i am a stain on the shirt of the internet
  27. i work out to feel sore instead of sad
  28. smarter than drunk
  29. birthday surrogate for hire
  30. i've gentrified streets you've never heard of
  31. i'm just looking for someone that'll like my tweets when i'm sad and retweet me at night
  32. my diet is a massacre