never made it as my twitter bios, a running list

  1. this is what a 40yo bisexual divorcé/former cult member and wanna be drag queen looks like (h/t @Lisa_Fav)
  2. i always say i'm doing fine but really everything is a disaster, so i guess i'm just another american
  3. my only life hack is low expectations
  4. sorry my life didn't come in a matte finish
  5. if you can't fuck yourself, how the hell you gonna fuck somebody else? can i get an amen?
  6. you're born naked, and the rest is (a) drag
  7. never say no to analog
  8. don't fuck with me I watch a lot of procedurals
  9. I have Tori Amos's "Under the Pink" on pink vinyl
  10. i listen to bands that don't even exist yet
  11. I talk about speaking in tongues far too often
  12. I'm done doing things
  13. can you imagine a world without hashtags
  14. I'm about as useful in meetings as my name written on the wall in my stead
  15. I'm in too much denial to spend $88 on a t-shirt that says "I'm a mess" on it even though it feels v v honest and is essentially a mathematical proof
  16. I have three cults in the works
  17. better living through low expectations
  18. i've used the phrase "skin pantry" recently
  19. I'm either finding my true self or just perfecting a haircut
  20. you gotta live if you wanna die
  21. it took me 40 years to figure out I'm demisexual
  22. i operate out of fear therefore i am
  23. I died in my own arms and said nothing
  24. thinking things are ok is the greatest denial
  25. talent sucker
  26. i am a stain on the shirt of the internet
  27. i work out to feel sore instead of sad
  28. smarter than drunk
  29. birthday surrogate for hire