Things I Said Turning Down Samples at the Artisanal LA Fall Show

  1. "Sorry, caffeine makes me bleed"
  2. "I already had peanut butter marshmallows today"
  3. "That looks mass produced."
  4. "Sorry, cheese makes me bleed"
  5. "The last time I smelled an unlit candle I passed out."
  6. "Bourbon pickles doesn't really fit with my aesthetic."
  7. "Like how small of a batch..."
  8. "Can coconut water ever really be 'artisanal'?"
  9. "Blood orange marmalade was the last thing my dog ate before it died."
  10. Then we saw a pig.
  11. Then I kept talking about bleeding.