When I Say ________, I Really Mean ________.

  1. Nice shoes.
    I'm going to steal them.
  2. You guys sounded great tonight.
    Your songs suck.
  3. I think I've heard of that.
    I have no idea what you're talking about and I want to disappear but instead I'm trying to appear informed, which I'm not.
  4. Great to meet you. Your company sounds neat.
    I shouldn't even be here right now. How the hell did I end up networking? I try to avoid that at all costs. I hope they forget me immediately. I hate meeting people. Please don't ask for my email/number/etc. I better fake a messy sneeze and wander off.
  5. Great denim.
    It always means that. Some things are sacred.
  6. Of course, of course. Nice to see you again.
    I met you?
    Suggested by   @bjnovak
  7. Congratulations!
    Get me out of here, your show was terrible and I feel so uncomfortable with this interaction because you are looking for feedback or a compliment (worse).
    Suggested by   @originalamericantrt
  8. Your baby is so cute!
    It's a blob of flesh. Thank god it isn't crying.
  9. Let's circle back on this in a separate meeting.
    Never shall we speak of this again.
    Suggested by   @shantaroo
  10. When I say I'll text you, I really mean this will be the last time we ever have any type of interaction whatsoever.
    Suggested by   @danpolis
  11. Sure, I can try it that way.
    That note makes no sense and I'm gonna do it how I want to do it.
    Suggested by   @mia
  12. Of course, no problem
    I really mean, why are you bothering me right now? Don't you have anything better to do?
    Suggested by   @Fatih
  13. i don't care we can do whatever
    Pick something to do now.
    Suggested by   @Samuel
  14. You guys are so cute together!
    You'll be divorced by 32.
    Suggested by   @laur
  15. Let me get back to you about that
    I have no fucking clue. I'm going to go Google and then will write you an informed email pretending I knew all along.
    Suggested by   @mallofamanda
  16. I'm fine
    I made it through another day without spontaneously combusting.
    Suggested by   @13spencer
  17. HAHAHA, you are too funny!
    Ugh, you are not funny AT ALL.
    Suggested by   @Caissie
  18. I'm confused
    I'm not confused. You did something wrong.
    Suggested by   @bestzeller
  19. Fine
    It's not fine at all. But, I am so pissed off at your total stupidity and/or insensitivity that if I am forced to use any of the other words I'm pretty sure we will no longer be friends.
    Suggested by   @jillbasinger
  20. Let's catch up soon!
    I don't have time to talk to you this week, or next, and really don't want to make time because our relationship feels like a chore. welp.
    Suggested by   @maira
  21. I mean this!
    But I really mean this!
    Suggested by   @nakajima
  22. We run in the same circles
    I only tolerate this person when I am forced to hang out with them by people I actually like. We are not friends.
    Suggested by   @rebeccaroanoke
  23. Does that make sense?
    I'm ending a sentence that you might be angry about, and if you are angry you now have the opportunity to tell me it 'doesn't make sense' instead of blowing up.
    Suggested by   @originalamericantrt
  24. Fantastic!
    Bullsh*t
    Suggested by   @THEToughCookie
  25. That's cool
    Uh oh, I have no idea what you just said.
    Suggested by   @emroth
  26. It's not you it's me.
    It's totally you.
    Suggested by   @buddy