THINGS I NEVER PUT ON INSTAGRAM BECAUSE IT WOULD RUIN MY REPUTATION

  1. When I over-eat fast food.
    I can't have people knowing how many calories I eat some days.
  2. When I eat meat.
    I hate meat and claim vegetarian but eat chicken once and a while. It's usually fast food. #classy
  3. When I have greasy hair.
    Flat hair, round face.
  4. My messy bathroom.
    Makeup, brushes, garbage, more makeup, towels, dirty clothes. It was a tornado, I swear.
  5. Photos that accurately display my body shape.
    Angle the camera downward, elongate the face, adjust the lighting, apply a filter. Cellulite doesn't inspire "likes".
  6. When I eat junky food.
    Ice cream, maple bacon kettle chips, Reese's, fried rice.
  7. Cheap wine.
    I don't know the last time I've spent more than $9 on a bottle of wine. Cheap thrills.