NAMES I'VE BEEN CALLED THAT ARE NOT MY NAME, CHRONOLOGICALLY

  1. Flossy
    A nickname since birth, used exclusively by my mother. She has never explained this to me. It is still in use.
  2. Little Vegemite
    A term of endearment adopted after I developed a real taste for the yeasty, Aussie sandwich filling at the age of 9.
  3. New Zealand
    Unrelated to the previous one. When my grandparents went to NZ, they brought me back some NZ stationary. When I took this to school, my classmates persistently asked me things like how long the commute took and began referring to me as "New Zealand". It stuck for a ridiculously long time. Kids are dumb.
  4. Jaz
    By a substitute teacher who found my real name too complicated, obv.
  5. J
    My mother. Because she was all, "I'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom!" Hated it.
  6. Anal queen
    An unfortunate nickname that really curbed my control freak tendencies in my teens.
  7. Kim Kardashian
    This was around the time the Kim K app dropped and my friend became obsessed with it. I did something ever so slightly diva-ish (asked to buy a specific brand of ham 💁🏼) at the beginning of a holiday and spent the rest of the trip being referred to as Kim Kardashian any time I did anything they deemed diva-ish (like weighing in on group decisions).
  8. Geoffrey
    My mother called me this when she was mad at me once. It's her brother's name.
  9. The Flash
    Used by my best friend in reference to my love of running (not streaking).
  10. Jesus
    Autocorrect, all the time.
  11. Don Draper
    When my group of friends played "what cable TV fuckboy would you be?" (you know, the famous game), I was given Don because I referred to a tweet being "on brand".
  12. Pasta
    At the age of 22. By my friends. Again, because of food consumption.