Requested by @celeste. 🙏
  1. According to my mother: none.
    I have a Jim Halpert bobblehead that she stubbornly refuses to call Jim because, she says, the only name that suits him is John.
  2. According to my best friend: Ron Jasinski, Don Pasinski, Lon Fasinski.
  3. According to me: John Kennedy.
    The year is 2036. I'm finally ready to settle down. But John doesn't want us shackled to gendered marital traditions so he offers to be the one to change his surname. It will not be his wisest career move but I'll love him for it.