My Morning Routine: The Teen Years
My house had 1.5 bathrooms to serve 4 people. This is how we played that game.
- •5:30am: My Dad's alarm goes off. He heads for the bathroom.Every morning, without fail, he'd take a giant deuce before showering. He's a creature of habit and a believer in colon health.
- •5:50am: Dad exits the bathroom, hammers on my door. I head for the shower.Upon hitting a wall of warm shit-scented steam, I'd yell, "Dad! Use the downstairs bathroom for poop, UGH!" Every. Day.
- •5:55am: I coat my face in Noxema in an attempt to cover the stench and shower while trying not to gag. Much.
- •6:40am: I exit the bathroom, hammer on my brother's door. Also, Dad leaves for work.He slept on his twin bed, which was just the right size to be tucked inside his walk-in closet. That's just who he was.
- •6:45am: I knock again. My brother gave zero fucks about knocking.
- •6:50-53am: My brother showers.By now, the shit cloud has dissipated and he's left with the heavenly scent of my Herbal Essences. So not fair.
- •7:00am: Mom's alarm goes off.She doesn't hear it. It just keeps going.
- •7:05am: My ride arrives. I bang on my Mother's door, but she's going to get up whenever she damn well pleases.Mom wins. Always.