My Morning Routine: The Teen Years

My house had 1.5 bathrooms to serve 4 people. This is how we played that game.
  1. 5:30am: My Dad's alarm goes off. He heads for the bathroom.
    Every morning, without fail, he'd take a giant deuce before showering. He's a creature of habit and a believer in colon health.
  2. 5:50am: Dad exits the bathroom, hammers on my door. I head for the shower.
    Upon hitting a wall of warm shit-scented steam, I'd yell, "Dad! Use the downstairs bathroom for poop, UGH!" Every. Day.
  3. 5:55am: I coat my face in Noxema in an attempt to cover the stench and shower while trying not to gag. Much.
  4. 6:40am: I exit the bathroom, hammer on my brother's door. Also, Dad leaves for work.
    He slept on his twin bed, which was just the right size to be tucked inside his walk-in closet. That's just who he was.
  5. 6:45am: I knock again. My brother gave zero fucks about knocking.
  6. 6:50-53am: My brother showers.
    By now, the shit cloud has dissipated and he's left with the heavenly scent of my Herbal Essences. So not fair.
  7. 7:00am: Mom's alarm goes off.
    She doesn't hear it. It just keeps going.
  8. 7:05am: My ride arrives. I bang on my Mother's door, but she's going to get up whenever she damn well pleases.
    Mom wins. Always.