1. Moonlight wins best picture but Damien Chazelle wins best director.
  2. Meryl Streep wins best actress AND actor because her greatness knows no gender.
  3. The cast of Hidden Figures looks amazing as per uzh.
  4. The academy admits no one has seen the short documentaries. They all get Oscars just for participating.
  5. My "Manchego by the Sea" cheese plate served will "Hell or High Water Crackers" is a smashing success.
  6. Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively just start macking on each other on the red carpet. Full tongue and everything. Later that night Blake is impregnated with baby number three.
  7. Dev Patel proposes to me through the TV and we adopt that adorable kid from Lion.
  8. OJ: Made in America wins best documentary but they're all like "we're a TV miniseries. Why are we even here?" And they give the Oscar to I Am Not Your Negro.
  9. Best original score is a tie between the soundtrack to Hamilton and Beyonce's Lemonade.
  10. The sound editors and sound mixers get in a brawl. It gets ugly. The police are called.
  11. Amy Adams is aging backwards.
  12. I drink too much "Blue Moonlight" beer and work on Monday is rough.