People I've Been Told I Look Like
- •For reference: MeSorry but I haven't taken a picture where I'm smiling like a normal human being since New Year's Eve 2014.
- •Drew BarrymoreI mean... I guess? But I refuse to go on 50 first dates with Adam Sandler. The amnesia was obviously a self-preservation tactic.
- •Kate HudsonI used to get this one a lot but rarely do anymore. Possibly because Kate Hudson no longer exists and is now played by a hologram selling overpriced sports bras on my Facebook page.
- •Blake LivelyThis one is the most flattering. One of my friends sends me pictures of Blake Lively and pretends to think its me and it's literally the only reason we're still friends.
- •Jemima KirkeObviously this one is more recent and, I think, the most realistic. And, as an added bonus, I now know what I'll look like pregnant: a goddamned rockstar goddess, that's what.
- •Joan AllenThis was far and away the weirdest, especially since it happened when I was 16. My high school boyfriend told me I looked like "the chick from Face/Off". I assume he meant Dominique Swain which I was happy with because Lolita. But no, he meant Joan Allen who was almost 30 years older than me and played the bitchy wife in The Crucible. But if I have to be Joan Allen I choose Pleasantville Joan Allen because duh.
- •Sebastian BachI take it back, this one is the most accurate. Sebastian Bach is like the twin brother I never had. If I wasn't 15 years younger than him I 100% could have filled in for him in Skid Row if he wanted to take the night off and NO ONE WOULD HAVE KNOWN. Probably my mom was a groupie and my father isn't my real father and my whole life is a lie.