Things I Started Doing When I Turned 30
- •Using eye cream"I found a great eye cream" is something I said to some 30 year old friends recently and they were RIVETED. If you don't start using eye cream at 30 your eyeballs literally shrivel up and fall out.
- •Taking vitaminI take all the vitamins. My body is completely deficient in everything.
- •Using a calorie tracking appThe minute I turned 30 my metabolism stopped. My body now burns approximately 3 calories a day. They say I'm a medical marvel.
- •Using a heart rate monitorBecause at this age my heart could stop at any moment if I'm not monitoring it.
- •Pretending I can still drink like a 25 year oldI can't and honestly, I don't really want to. Most of the time I'd rather binge Netflix than binge drink.
- •Learning about investing and how to save moneyI plan on retiring in style, and preferably in the next 10 years.
- •Being constantly anxious that I'm not where I'm supposed to be at this ageYou guys, according to my super judgmental gynecologist my ovaries are about to fall apart.
- •Giving less fucks. And more fucks. Just about different things.Hopefully I've figured out which things are the right things to give fucks about.