Things I Started Doing When I Turned 30

  1. Using eye cream
    "I found a great eye cream" is something I said to some 30 year old friends recently and they were RIVETED. If you don't start using eye cream at 30 your eyeballs literally shrivel up and fall out.
  2. Taking vitamin
    I take all the vitamins. My body is completely deficient in everything.
  3. Using a calorie tracking app
    The minute I turned 30 my metabolism stopped. My body now burns approximately 3 calories a day. They say I'm a medical marvel.
  4. Using a heart rate monitor
    Because at this age my heart could stop at any moment if I'm not monitoring it.
  5. Pretending I can still drink like a 25 year old
    I can't and honestly, I don't really want to. Most of the time I'd rather binge Netflix than binge drink.
  6. Learning about investing and how to save money
    I plan on retiring in style, and preferably in the next 10 years.
  7. Being constantly anxious that I'm not where I'm supposed to be at this age
    You guys, according to my super judgmental gynecologist my ovaries are about to fall apart.
  8. Giving less fucks. And more fucks. Just about different things.
    Hopefully I've figured out which things are the right things to give fucks about.