A RUNNING LIST OF THINGS MY HUSBAND HAS SAID AND DONE

He's too cool for social media and I feel it's my wifely responsibility to pass these on to the world because they make me laugh.
  1. Refusing to believe Natasha Richardson and Emma Thompson are not the same person.
    As we watched the Parent Trap: "That's Emma Thompson, right?" No, that's Natasha Richardson. "Wait, on the screen right now." Yes. Natasha Richardson. "You're telling me that woman right there isn't Emma Thompson?" NO IT IS NATASHA RICHARDSON.
  2. "I can't buy anything else. I'm broke. This is starting to feel too much like real life."
    While playing Monopoly
  3. "I don't think this is an accurate representation of our public transportation system. What about the crack heads on the bus?"
    Commentary as I sang the Wheels on the Bus song to our son.
  4. Texted me at random times from work during the last few weeks of my pregnancy to ask if I was in labor. He was convinced I was going to forget to tell him or just... want to handle it on my own?!
    And I was like, YOU GOT ME INTO THIS AND I HAVE NO INTENTION OF LEAVING YOU OUT NOW.
  5. Similarly, woke me up in the middle of the night to ask me if I was having contractions
    There's no train of logic here. All the mamas/ANYONE WHO LOVES SLEEP feel me on what a cruel, cruel injustice this was.
  6. "Babe, you know when you quit that job you left big shoes to fill. Cuz you got some big ass feet, daaaaamn!"
    Say that out loud like Aniz Ansari and you'll be close to recreating it. He thinks that making fun of my feet is hilarious. Ha. Ha.
  7. "I brought you this cup of tea and it's super hot because I know that's 'your thing.'"
    He literally means because I heat the water to boiling and he's more like "meh, it's seems hot enough now" so heating the water thoroughly is a special "just because I love you" favor.
  8. "I just weighed myself and a part of me died. And I really hope that part dropped a couple of pounds."
    A verbatim text he sent me.
  9. "They just remind me of a butch lesbian. And you know I've always been a big fan of butch lesbians."
    Explaining why he loves Birkenstocks sandals.
  10. "I mean it's funny as like an SNL sketch but I don't know if I could watch a whole movie. Like, a remake with four women? Four SCIENTIST women, is that really supposed to hold my attention?"
    On new the Ghostbusters. Pretty much the exact opposite of how he really feels and he was just saying it to see how high he could raise my blood pressure. (Dangerously high)
  11. "I'm over your dad. I've never liked dads."
    In his defense, my dad had just make a snarky comment to him.
  12. He repeatedly sang the Chicken song from Pepper Ann when he was in the protein only phase of the Dukan Diet.
    And literally eating chicken every night.
  13. Texted this to my brother when he locked himself out and then laughed so hard he made me take a picture of it.
    Remember when I said he was too cool for social media? I wasn't kidding. His phone is basically a prop from Saved By The Bell.
  14. "Babe, you're a mystery. I would never wake up from a nap and think, 'I want to list.'
    RIDICULOUS.