STORIES I TELL OVER AND OVER
Hang out with me long enough and you'll hear these on repeat. I'm the old lady you avoid at parties. Let me tell you about this one time...
- •When my old manager refused to go talk to a table who had a problem and I literally said, "Oh, managers get to pick and choose what they feel like doing? I need to get that job."Verbatim. No wonder she hated me.
- •When Kris Humphries visited the nonprofit I worked for (because I guess he was trying to get some good press in the midst of his divorce) and I didn't want to actually talk to him but I put my hand on his back when I walked by just so I could say I did.I am such a creep. What can I say, I had been keeping up with the Kardashians and couldn't resist. Being a creep.
- •When I told my husband's then 7 year-old nephew if he was our ring-bearer that he wouldn't have to wear anything formal and he retorted, "but I LIKE formal."And then I called him "Liza Minelli" behind his back for the next 6 months because the only person who gets to be a diva at my wedding is me.
- •When we were getting married and my sweet best friend was 9 months pregnant and I told her that she could sit in the front pew or stand with the other bridesmaids but she wasn't allowed to sit down in the middle of the ceremony.Because I did NOT want everyone wondering if she was in labor the whole time instead of paying attention to ME (it's not like I didn't warn you that I was the only one who could be a diva.) Perhaps one of the most selfish moments of my life? And yet I still tell this story.
- •When I first met my husband he had a lip-ring and I was unimpressed and thought he was obnoxious. (He's now the most handsome man in the world.)Even you guys have heard that one. LOVE, MATH & COMMUNITY COLLEGE (OR, HOW I MET MY HUSBAND)
- •When I worked at a tanning salon and this guy we called "Foot Fetish Guy" would call us regularly and try to get us to tell him what shoes we were wearing. One time he asked me if my feet were "artistic-looking".It was so bizarre that it was really funny except that I usually worked shifts by myself and would be alone except for the customers, so it was sometimes genuinely weird and scary.
- •When I was at a Phillies-Marlins game and my friend and I booed Dan Uggla while he was warming up and he flipped us off.Thus cementing our self-righteous booing of Dan Uggla forever.
- •When I gave birth to our son and my husband caught him and he described it as unfolding a lawn chair because our son was so long that it felt like his limbs just kept going.He's still so tall and skinny and everyone comments on it and then I tell them that story which they either find amusing or disgusting.
- •When my (younger) brother proposed to his (longtime) girlfriend and my aunt teased me about him getting married before me and I was like "oh don't worry, I'll get married first" even though I had only been dating my boyfriend (now husband) for a few months. And then I DID.It was mostly because we were older and more financially established, I didn't literally race them to the altar. That said, it was a teensy bit satisfying.
- •When I interviewed for a job at a prison and they told me I couldn't bring drinks of any kind into my office because I would be in the actual prison (i.e. NO COFFEE ALL DAY) and I was like kthanksbye.Actually, they didn't offer me the job. But the coffee part is so much more anecdotal.
- •When aforementioned sweet best friend and I stood in the freezing January cold for hours to be in the audience for Rachael Ray and she gave us NOTHING.I was not aware we would just sit there while she cooked delicious food in front of us and ate it. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER.