LIES THAT I LIKE TO TELL OTHER PEOPLE
I like to see how gullible people are. Hot tip, people are incredibly gullible.
- •That there's actually a forth Kardashian sister who is the eldest but was far too ugly for television and Kris Jenner makes her live in an undignified exile. Her name is Kandice or Kandi as she likes to be called.You'd be surprised how many people have believed this.
- •That they're working on The Hangover 4; Girls Gone Wild.I tell people that it's a girls version and it stars Rebel Wilson, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Jessica Parker and surprisingly, Helen Mirren.
- •That I had an imaginary pet as a child named Nancy who was a dog that wore a cat suit to trick everyone.FYI it's zipper was located between Nancy's teets.
- •That my 18inch scar along my tummy is from a terrible accident caused by running with scissors as a child.It's actually from a liver bypass surgery at 12.
- •That my ex left me because he had a micro penis and it created far too many issues between us.Like, he always wanted to be able to do the water balloon thing and he couldn't and I once laughed by accident at his attempt and it tortured him forever more and he could no longer function with dignity in a relationship. FYI. He didn't have a micro penis but it was kind of small for all the boasting that happened leading up to all the sex we never had.
- •When I stayed in L.A I met Brandy Norwood at the Coffee Bean and she was short a quarter for her obnoxious coffee order so I stepped in and fixed her tab. we got talking and I partied with her for the night and we've stayed in touch ever since.In the early 00s I used to tell this story with great gusto and people were more interested in Ray J and Kim's sex tape. Now I just have to explain to everyone who Brandy is by singing a few bars of "I wanna be down" or if they're too young, "the boy is mine"