Things Shirley Taught Me

Shirley is my 85 year old grandma. She's kooky.
  1. 1.
    Sing Christmas songs all year long
    I'm pretty sure she is the one that has kept Santa's sleigh aloft, not Buddy the elf and the city of New York.
  2. 2.
    Young male Native American casino workers? YUM.
    And flirting with them in front of your granddaughter isn't awkward at all.
  3. 3.
    Anyone that doesn't know the front of the crochet project from the back should be shot.
    Enough said.
  4. 4.
    Onions don't belong in ANY food, EVER!
    But if they are cut up real tiny-like and thoroughly cooked, and you don't tell her they are in the food, and she never finds out, then it's acceptable.
  5. 5.
    For God's sake, don't choose a complicated crochet pattern!
    Because you are probably going to fall asleep at 2am, yarn in hand, head hanging, mouth drooling, and you will never remember where you left off.
  6. 6.
    Sing "My Bonnie" as loud and out of tune as you can.
    In between Christmas songs, that is.
  7. 7.
    UFOs are real, damnit!
    They seem to only appear when waking up at 3:00 am, yarn in hand, head hanging, and mouth drooling.
  8. 8.
    While we're at it, so are ghosts.
  9. 9.
    Calling your kids or grandkids "assholes" when they reveal that there were, in fact, onions in your food, is perfectly acceptable.
    That was an asshole thing to do.
  10. 10.
    You are never too old to flip off the camera.
    It's a crowd pleaser - the grandkids love it!
  11. 11.
    Give ice cream to your grandkids whenever they want it.
    And especially after their parents told you not to. Who are they to tell you what to do? Assholes.
  12. 12.
    Don't even think about eating my Pringles!
    Don't let them use the old "once you pop, you can't stop" excuse. Pop them right in the nose if they try it.
  13. 13.
    Staying positive in the face of adversity is difficult, but possible.
    Losing a young sister in a fire, losing a child, deeply loving a WWII 101st Airborne Division vet with severe PTSD symptoms, then losing him, and beginning to lose your memory, yet staying positive and carrying on says so. Oh, add a fair amount of family drama into the mix, too. My grandma is awesome.