TOP TEN THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I'D DO (AND THEN I BECAME A MOM)

  1. 1.
    Catch a stream of vomit in my cupped hands. AND be happy about it because it's better than cleaning vomit out of every nook and cranny in the Bugaboo.
  2. 2.
    Sing a made up song about "Letting the poopy out" while simultaneously bicycling my infant's legs. * Side note: it's more of a rap than a song. *Side note to self: Should compile list of words that rhyme with poop/y. Could prove very useful to other parents and/or third grade boys.
  3. 3.
    Consider chicken nuggets "protein".
  4. 4.
    Participate in the competitive sport known as CHILDREN's BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS.
  5. 5.
    Bake a six layer rainbow birthday cake (more than once).
  6. 6.
    When caught hiding presents/eggs/glitter dusted dollar bills, create an elaborate lie involving close personal friendship with Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy.
  7. 7.
    Baby Einstein on auto repeat.
  8. 8.
    Conduct most of my email correspondence and social media posting while sitting on the toilet.
  9. 9.
    Find it absolutely necessary to clean urine off the toilet, floor and (WTF?!) wall several times a day.
  10. 10.
    Find the following in my bag on any given day: hand sanitizer, extra napkins, the head of a Lego minifigure, Hot Wheels, pulverized goldfish and what was once (I believe) a peach fruit strip. *and yet somehow, I always forget my wallet.