The Five Stages of Dealing With Marshawn Lynch's Impending Retirement
- •DENIAL "This is just a ploy to get out of his contract so he can come home to Oakland and play for the Raiders."
- •ANGER: "This is all (Pete Carroll, the Media, Roger Goodell, Bill Belichick, Malcom Butler, the CIA, Lena Dunham, Rand Paul, Kony2012, Everyone in the Academy that didn't vote for 'Selma,' Benedict Cumberbatch, Gentrification) 's fault! They just don't want Beastmode to shine!"
- •BARGAINING: "Dear Marshawn, I am prepared to offer you all the Skittles to continue playing. I'm afraid you think I mean 'a lot of Skittles.' To be clear, I mean, ALL THE SKITTLES!!"
- •DEPRESSION: (watches the Beastquake run on repeat while Sarah McLaughlin's "I Will Remember You" plays)
- •ACCEPTANCE: "Tis better to have Marshawned and lost than to have never Marshawned at all. #beastmode"