Things That Are Going in My Eventual Tell-all Book About Gabi Moskowitz
Happy Birthday @gabimoskowitz !!!!!
- •She used to lie to me and tell me the remote control was a phoneShe would "call my friends and tell them I pee my pants". On one hand you can say I was gullible, on the other hand, you could say that she was a monster.
- •She used to fake her death, oftenWe used to wrestle as kids, when I get big enough to start beating her, she developed a new strategy to win. Whenever she would take a hard fall she would lie there motionless, and convince me I killed her. This happened multiple times, OK, so I was VERY gullible.
- •She told me my parents didn't love meShe didn't do this in a combative way. She one day, in a very serious fashion, sat me down and said, "Jeremy, I've been speaking with Mom and Dad. They aren't telling you this, but I love you so I have to break the news to you, Mom and Dad do not love you. I wanted to let you know so you could make alternative arrangements with a new family. " My mom found me upstairs packing a suitcase and crying.
- •She practiced cooking by making me play restaurant with herThis one's not that bad you say! This must have been great! Well, here's the deal, not only did she practice cooking on me, but then she would sit down to dine with me and pretend to have some melodramatic fight in the restaurant (i.e. pretend to confront me over neglecting our dying mother or fire me from a job.)
- •Gabi shows love through food, but she also exacts vengeance with itWhen I was 9 years old I dropped a cinnamon candy in her risotto, because I was 9 and what's risotto? I woke up a week and a half later to her letting me know that she made pancakes. I run downstairs and bite into a warm gooey pile of Morton's salt. I was sneezing out salt granules for a week. (I may have deserved this)
- •Despite her being history's greatest monster, she is also the world's best sister, and I love herWe tortured each other as children, but we also had more inside jokes than one can imagine, she's the first person I call in a crisis, she lights up a room when she walks in and I'm incredibly proud of her. Happy birthday Sis, I love you.