1. Step 1, cutting my nails. I'm always worried about bleeding to death.
  2. Step 2, choosing a colour that's not too "hey pay attention to my hands" or "I'm a grandmother and only wear beige with shimmer"
  3. Step 3, basically dipping my hands in paint
  4. Step 4, making sure my left hand looks so god damn awful that tears start forming in the corner of my eye
  5. Step 5, coat 2 'cause lines in nail polish remind me of April Lavine when she lived in Napanee, ON.
  6. Step 6, wait for the polish to dry. Text people I rarely text because there isn't anything else to do (I'm talking about you highschool friends)
  7. Step 7, still waiting.
  8. Step 8, smudge my left pinky because hair falls in my face, like a god damn stripper.
  9. Step 9, forget about the top coat because I'm secretly super hick.
  10. Step 10, finished product. ready to take on the world with Hillary Clinton.