THINGS MY TEN YEAR OLD SELF WOULD BE AMAZED AND/OR PISSED TO LEARN ABOUT FUTURE HIM

  1. I am 6'6" tall.
  2. All rhat hair on your head? Yeah, not gonna last.
  3. I have more than a thousand dollars.
  4. I do not spend most of my disposable income on trips to 7-11 for candy and Mountain Dew.
  5. Though I do still buy too many Star Wars-related items. Oh, and more importantly, they are still making Star Wars movies.
  6. I get to see a woman naked on the daily.
  7. I could eat at McDonalds every day. But don't.
  8. I own neither a Mac-10 nor an Uzi.
  9. I have not appeared on Late Night with David Letterman.
    Um, and about that...
  10. I do not own a Ferrari or Lambourghini.
    I'd say, "I have a Hyundai." He'd stare blankly. Or cry.
  11. No jet packs. No flying cars. No transporters. Bummer.
    But he would goddamn love iPhones, so it's not a total loss.