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If you have any additional questions about my qualifications for these roles, please refer to my 26 years of existence on this earth, thanks so much for your time.
  1. Kidz Bop lyric changer
    In my teens, I led teams of children to victory during the Bible memory verse portion of VBS by forcing Biblical texts into pop music/jingles and I regret nothing. (Greatest hits include: John 3:16 set to assorted TV show theme songs, a Michael Buble parody "Crazy Little Thing Called [God's] Love"). Given that the team at Kidz Bop is dedicated to transforming Top 100 songs into child-appropriate words, I think this skill would transfer over nicely.
  2. Outsourced sorority girl
    Although I was never in a sorority, some of my chief joys include: finding semi/formal dresses that flatter all body types, creating original costumes that respect party themes, small gifts centered around puns, every Pinterest craft. College is hard and you have exams, let ME make Kate a Goldfish snack medley with a sign reading: "Of all the fish in the sea, you're the little for me." My greatest weakness? Being TOO dedicated to painting coolers for Away Weekend. I look forward to your call.
  3. Spirit Guide (on Quests)
    I would be great at showing up out of nowhere at the beginning to send you on your epic literary adventure, and circling back at the end to talk about what you learned and how important it was that you saved the world/human race/kingdom/dystopian universe. (Also, sending you a brightly lit orb or weather formation or something to steer your course throughout the journey.) It's like being a guardian angel but only part-time, and think of all the stuff I could get done during the interim.
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  1. Vegas
    Invite me if you'd like to be constantly informed on statistics related to domestic minor sex trafficking. The links between the sex industry, strip clubs, and pornography with the sex trafficking of minors in the US are many-faceted and everything will remind me to tell you more. You won at blackjack! So cool! I think I'm gonna call a trafficking hotline or two. #VEGAS!!!
  2. Putt Putt
    Socially competitive events that center around quietly attempting precise hand/eye coordination? Putting greens that are too small for all of us to talk and hang out at once? No thank you. I do, however, like large statues of animals. I will find a way to enjoy myself by thinking about this place as a large inanimate petting zoo.
  3. Bowling
    Unless we are all very, very good at bowling or very, very bad at bowling, this will not be all that fun. There is no place for mediocre skill level at the bowling alley. Evening still redeemable if they have soft pretzels.
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If we're close, I've texted you photos and asked you to help corroborate, dissuade me, persuade me, or generally agonize over whether I should get something. If not, we're about to get a lot closer
  1. Is this fancy enough for a black tie wedding? I need you to say yes because IT HAS POCKETS.
  2. Do I look artsy and avante garde enough for ARTOPIA? Can you tell it's too big and I'd have to pin it?
  3. Alternately, I could be like edgy-mod-leather girl at ARTOPIA, right? Right??
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  1. A WTF podcast episode w/ Marc Maron and Taylor Swift
    They talk for roughly 2.5 hours about life and love and she wins him over.
  2. 2 Buck Chuck ROSE
    Trader Joe's would be packed
  3. A Kuereg pod/instant coffee that captures all the magic of freshly ground/poured coffee
    I want all our smartest and best minds to stay focused on curing diseases, but work on this on the weekends please.
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These words sound or feel similar enough that I file them in the same drawer of my brain. It's really anyone's guess which one I pull out when the time comes.
  1. Verboten & Verbatim
  2. Quarantine & Circumcise
  3. Chris & Ryan
    These might as well be the same name.
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Presented without context, a glimpse into the wonderful privilege of being someone @DKeano texts throughout the day.
  1. I wish I had a stronger opinion about serifs.
  3. Man, I need a goblet of wine right now instead of 4 more hours of rehearsal.
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Things that seem super important and worth organizing my life around that others may not.
  1. Hydration/Water Supply
    "Should I bring my water bottle?", "Hold on my water bottle is in the car!", "Have you seen my water bottle?", "I need water..." Etc.
  2. Appropriate dress code
    For myself, not others, ie: "Dressy or Dressy Lite?", "Do these shoes transition me from Medium Dressy Casual to full on Casual?", "What are you wearing? No I mean what exactly are you wearing?"
  3. How we will spend our only 3 free hours this weekend
    There's a way we can do everything we want/need to do and if we talk about it now we can OPTIMIZE and MAXIMIZE.
  1. 1.
    Penny the stray dog was bad at taking artistic photo direction.
  2. 2.
    My choreography was "lie there and be unconscious". I took it really seriously.
  3. 3.
    I walked across a 4 lane highway to capture these silos in perfect formation, but never posted it. LOOK AT THEM.
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Whenever I say I haven't seen something and people respond with shock and violent enthusiasm, I write it down. Slowly working my way through!
  1. Christmas Vacation
  2. Office Space
  3. Gone With the Wind
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Even more specific labels than "ENFP"
  1. Would wait in line for a free sample, would not wait in line for a coupon for that free sample
  2. Believes guys who buy her drinks at bars are definitely trying to kill her, still feels the need to be polite to them
  3. Understands the way the food chain works, recognizes there is nothing wrong with predatory animals, and is that much more delighted by inter-species friendship.
  4. Is considered a very friendly, almost sweet person until someone threatens her friend or attacks someone who cannot defend themselves and thusly transforms into a SHE BEAST.