PLACES THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FUN THAT I FIND MYSELF INCAPABLE OF ENJOYING

I will find a way to rally once we get there.
  1. Vegas
    Invite me if you'd like to be constantly informed on statistics related to domestic minor sex trafficking. The links between the sex industry, strip clubs, and pornography with the sex trafficking of minors in the US are many-faceted and everything will remind me to tell you more. You won at blackjack! So cool! I think I'm gonna call a trafficking hotline or two. #VEGAS!!!
  2. Putt Putt
    Socially competitive events that center around quietly attempting precise hand/eye coordination? Putting greens that are too small for all of us to talk and hang out at once? No thank you. I do, however, like large statues of animals. I will find a way to enjoy myself by thinking about this place as a large inanimate petting zoo.
  3. Bowling
    Unless we are all very, very good at bowling or very, very bad at bowling, this will not be all that fun. There is no place for mediocre skill level at the bowling alley. Evening still redeemable if they have soft pretzels.
  4. Your Church's Very Fun and Cool Event
    If it is fun and cool and non-threatening and designed to attract and retain visitors, it will be my own particular brand of agony. Invite me when you're building houses or setting up a spaghetti dinner. Youth car wash fundraiser? I'm there in my tasteful one piece. Just please don't make me go to the fun, flashy part with the cool music because when the laser lights start, they'll trigger my biggest fake smile and a manic wave of PTSD.
  5. Any club, ever
    Having watched too much CSI and Law & Order at a seminal age, I think every guy who approaches us at the bar is trying to kill us. "Can I buy you ladies a drink" translates to "Do you think both of you would fit in my trunk?" Also, clubs never have actual fun dancing which you imagine based on the too many episodes of The OC and Friends and Clueless which you also watched at a seminal age.