He should be more than a comedian, just sayin
  1. You’ve got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That’s what optimistic means, you know? It means stupid. An optimist is somebody who goes, “Hey, maybe something nice will happen.” Why the fuck would anything nice happen?
  2. When I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it’s really like magic because you transform reality for people.
  3. I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.
  4. It’s like when you’re talking to a girl at a bar because you’re attracted to her, the first thing you say is always gonna be dog shit. The most honest thing you could say to her is ‘I wanna fuck your face.’ That’s the most honest thing you could say.
  5. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It’s bad to like jerk off and run out the door, ’cause you run into somebody. “Oh, she knows…” You got to take some time alone to process the shame.
  6. Look at your fucking kid! The resolution on the kid is unbelievable if you just look. It's totally HD. Why are you taping this? You are never going to watch it. In a million years you not gonna watch the shit your kids did the first time it happened. You don't watch it, you just put it in Facebook. "Here you watch it...I'm gonna take a nap, now."