ALTERNATE FIRST NAMES THAT WOULD HAVE FIT ME WELL BUT CHANGED ME SUBTLY

Forget Jake. Chinatown!
  1. 1.
    Rodney
    Rare, niche, gives license to be artistic. Definitely would've been taller and more handsome but in a very approachable way
  2. 2.
    Boris
    Would've been bar mitzvah'd and went on Birthright by now. Fewer friends in high school but far more vests in my repertoire. Would probably call Derek Jeter a "stand-up guy"
  3. 3.
    Bobby Flay
    Could've been fun and cool for my first decade but emergence of Food Network as cultural force would've been endlessly problematic
  4. 4.
    Chef
    I think this really could've worked because I enjoy sharing my talents with others and berating line cooks
  5. 5.
    Connor
    Things are generally pretty easy for Connors but oh boy would I be headed for a quarter life crisis. Haircuts would be worse
  6. 6.
    Ala carte
    My nickname in high school
  7. 7.
    Horny Trevor
    I think I would've been bullied despite the fact that my given name is Hornford Trevor