PRE- FIRST DATE RITUALS

I do all these but don't recommend all of them or even most of them or maybe even any of them?
  1. 1.
    Brush your teeth
  2. 2.
    Shower quickly! You didn't finish practicing piano until late cause you were "busy" watching the great British baking show!
    And it's a drought y'all
  3. 3.
    Get distracted by singing through all of your repertoire in the shower
    You sound AMAZING! Keep singing!!!
  4. 4.
    You should sing Adele! Yeah! Pour out your soul, bby!
  5. 5.
    Now you're late, you fuckup piece of garbage
  6. 6.
    Ok. It's fine. You're fine.
    🐋
  7. 7.
    Clean your whole body again cause you forgot what you've already done
  8. 8.
    Turn the water even hotter to purge you of your shame
  9. 9.
    Brush your teeth
  10. 10.
    Have a drink. Cause if he's not fun you can't keep buying drinks like you did on your last first date because you're BROKE you beautiful FOOL
  11. 11.
    Stare at your face in the mirror. Practice your listening face. Tell yourself it's an ok face! You are doing great!!!
    You're doing amazing. I wish you could see how sexy your listening face is. For Halloween you should go as a slutty ear. What do you wanna do now? Sing? Yea, let's! I'll be up here and I'll be down here... Jenna's blonde as a sunrise, hot as the sun, bright as the shining sun... Jenna is listening, listening like the sun in the skyyyy!
  12. 12.
    Brush your teeth
  13. 13.
    Wear your boots so you're tall! Look at you! You're a goddamn catch!
  14. 14.
    Walk there. If that's not feasible get off one stop before so you can walk there
    You need to sober up slightly and the cold makes you look so flushed and beautiful!
  15. 15.
    Listen to Lucia's mad scene in which she stabs the husband she was forced to marry and, in a wedding dress covered in blood, hallucinates that she married her actual true love. This will put you in the mood for ROMANCE 💘
  16. 16.
    Don't be early. But don't be more than 2 minutes late!!! TIME THIS CAREFULLY
  17. 17.
    Smile, dammit! He can see you! Actually don't smile. No wait just do a half smile. Yeah. That's what Adele would do
  18. 18.
    Be so so acerbic and dry so he can't read you at all. Alternate between flashes of penetrating eye contact and complete disinterest. This is the best way to buy yourself time while you figure out if he can even keep up with you cause you're an 80s lady walking with purpose
    Copyright Amy Schumer
  19. 19.
    Don't kiss him goodbye, even if you want to. ESPECIALLY if you want to
    Cause that would make too much sense for you to do. Look, it's off the table. I don't make the rules, except that I do
  20. 20.
    Immediately put the sweatpants you were wearing before the date back on. Back into bed. Get that night cheese and get back into the great British baking show. It's pie week and you're more invested in these lovely souls than in him or your own future happiness
  21. 21.
    Brush your teeth