COMPLETELY FAIR AND BALANCED DESCRIPTIONS OF OUR COMPETITORS

Every now and then, we like to remind our competitors that we know they still exist. We find it makes them even more fearful for their continued survival.
  1. Hobby Lobby
    The Mike Pence of craft stores.
  2. Home Depot
    The kind of place you can go for pipe cleaners and a $6 handjob.
  3. Ben Franklin Stores
    Dick-flavored Chapstick.
  4. AC Moore
    SeaWorld for moms at the end of their ropes.
  5. DeSerres
    Pansexual nightmare.
  6. Artist And Craftsman Supply
    As inviting as a Pop Tart with jizz filling.
  7. Pat Catan's
    The retail equivalent of a penis buried in excess body fat.
  8. Blick Art Materials
    Like Color Me Mine, if everyone inside was a serial killer.
  9. Michaels
    Load-bearing vaginas.