IT MIGHT BE THE COCAINE TALKING, BUT WE'RE SO FUCKING EXCITED TO OFFER $1.99 SHIPPING ON ANY ORDER

  1. HEY BONER BANDITS, GUESS WHAT?
  2. YOU CAN ORDER ANYTHING, AND WE MEAN ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ANYTHING, AND HAVE IT SHIPPED TO YOUR TRAILER OR HOUSEBOAT OR WHATEVER FOR JUST $1.99.
  3. A DOLLAR NINETY NINE. AMERICAN. HOW FUCKING BANANAS IS THAT?
  4. FULL DISCLOSURE, WE DID A TEENSY BIT OF COCAINE AT THE COMPANY'S ANNUAL "MEMORIAL DAY DRINKAPALOOZA" THIS EVENING, BUT WE CAN BARELY EVEN FEEL IT.
  5. WE'RE JUST SO FUCKING EXCITED THAT YOU CAN GET WHATEVER FUCKING CRAFT GARBAGE YOU WANT FOR THE PRICE OF LIKE THREE STAMPS.
  6. IS ANYONE ELSE ROCK HARD RIGHT NOW? BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SHOULD BE.
  7. BUY ONE BUTTON. BUY A THOUSAND BUTTONS. IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE SHIPPING IS $1.99 REGARDLESS.
  8. WANT EIGHT TONS OF VELVET? $1.99 SHIPPING.
  9. A SINGLE ERASER? $1.99 SHIPPING.
  10. FUCKING ANYTHING YOUR LIZARD BRAIN CAN THINK OF. $1.99 SHIPPING.
  11. WE DON'T CARE IF THIS FUCKING BANKRUPTS US. WE'RE JUST THAT BATSHIT CRAZY.
  12. $1.99 SHIPPING ON ALL ORDERS. ONLY AT JO-ANN MOTHERFUCKING FABRICS.