1. Dingaling! Hear those bells? They can only mean one thing!
  2. Santa Claus has rolled his fat ass out of bed six months early and is bringing world-class crafting discounts to YOU.
  3. That's right. We're appropriating the FUCK of America's favorite holiday.
  4. Why are we pulling some shit like this, you ask?
  5. You see, the world's been a smoldering pile of angry pubes lately, so we figured we'd bring a little holiday cheer to the middle of a frustrating and terrifying summer.
  6. So enjoy special two-for-one deals on some of our most popular items, like buttons and felt and fuckin' whatever else we sell.
  7. We're not going to tell you how to spend your Craftsmas in July. That's up to the family courts to decide.
  8. So head on down to Jo-Ann Fabrics for some Yuletide cheer, and maybe some cathartic screaming. You can yell at our cashiers all you want. They won't lift a finger to stop you.
  9. Two-for-one on everything in-store. Only at Jo-Ann Fabrics.