1. Well, everything's fucking terrible.
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  2. Ol' Donnie Dickface has managed to fistfuck Lady Liberty in no time flat.
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  3. But we here at Jo-Ann Fabrics are true goddamned patriots.
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  4. We know that crowds of righteous hell-raisers are the only thing protecting this country from that racist tube sock filled with cottage cheese.
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  5. So until he literally trips over his own dick into a nuclear war, we're offering 80% off all protest supplies.
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  6. Poster board.
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  7. Magic markers.
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  8. Paint bottles filled with urine.
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  9. "Nazi Whompers®" brand chain-wrapped baseball bats.
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  10. If you can use it to make America come to its fucking senses, then you'd better believe it's on sale.
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  11. So show the man whose grown children look like community theatre versions of Twilight characters who's the fucking boss.
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  12. 80% off protest supplies with promo code "GOLDENSHOWERSMEANYOUREFIRED." Only at Jo-Ann Fabrics.
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