1. You know what positively melts our fucking hearts?
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  2. Beautiful weddings that don't put a hurtin' on the pocketbook.
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  3. So imagine our surprise when we see those smug pricks at David's bridal promising customers the wedding of their dreams on a budget.
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  4. MOTHERFUCKERS, THAT'S OUR TURF.
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  5. Ooh, you can provide chic bridesmaid dresses for $40 a person?
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  6. Guess what, bozos: with a little bit of hard work and gumption, the bride can CRAFT dresses for her wedding party using the same $2.99 roll of Fancy Wedding® fabric.
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  7. We've got so much wedding stuff we're literally up to our dicks in it.
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  8. Mason jars? Check.
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  9. Calligraphy banners? Check.
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  10. Plastic cups that look like champagne flutes? YOU'RE GOD DAMNED RIGHT WE DO.
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  11. This is supposed to the the happiest day of your life, so why would you trust some two-bit asshole parade like David's fucking Bridal to take care of your needs?
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  12. You're smarter than that.
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  13. Fuck it. All wedding shit is a nickel until the end of the summer. Only at Jo-Ann Fabrics.
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