THOSE HOT BUTTERED TAMPONS AT DAVID'S BRIDAL THINK THEY RUN THE WEDDING GAME. THEY'RE DEAD WRONG

  1. You know what positively melts our fucking hearts?
  2. Beautiful weddings that don't put a hurtin' on the pocketbook.
  3. So imagine our surprise when we see those smug pricks at David's bridal promising customers the wedding of their dreams on a budget.
  4. MOTHERFUCKERS, THAT'S OUR TURF.
  5. Ooh, you can provide chic bridesmaid dresses for $40 a person?
  6. Guess what, bozos: with a little bit of hard work and gumption, the bride can CRAFT dresses for her wedding party using the same $2.99 roll of Fancy Wedding® fabric.
  7. We've got so much wedding stuff we're literally up to our dicks in it.
  8. Mason jars? Check.
  9. Calligraphy banners? Check.
  10. Plastic cups that look like champagne flutes? YOU'RE GOD DAMNED RIGHT WE DO.
  11. This is supposed to the the happiest day of your life, so why would you trust some two-bit asshole parade like David's fucking Bridal to take care of your needs?
  12. You're smarter than that.
  13. Fuck it. All wedding shit is a nickel until the end of the summer. Only at Jo-Ann Fabrics.