WE CAN NO LONGER SELL FELT UNLESS YOU SIGN A BINDING LEGAL DOCUMENT PROMISING NOT TO FUCK IT

  1. Listen up, you fuck-crazy mongoloids:
  2. We tried selling you top-shelf felt at bottom-shelf prices.
  3. But guess what?
  4. You kept blowing loads in it.
  5. We get it. Felt's super soft.
  6. It feels AH-MA-ZING when rubbed up against your swimsuit area.
  7. But ol' Uncle Sam is coming down on us hard, claiming we're "promoting obscenity" by selling something our customers seem pathologically hell-bent of masturbating with.
  8. So if your ass wants to buy some felt, your ass has to sign a legal document pledging to not fuck, suck, fondle, grope, fingerblast, rim or bukkake said felt.
  9. We're not happy about it either.
  10. In a perfect world, you sick motherfuckers should be free to ejaculate the water content of your body onto our top quality felt.
  11. But we don't live in a perfect world. We live in this shitty one. So learn to fucking play along.
  12. Felt starting at $1.99/yard with written pledge not to bust a nut all over it. Only at Jo-Ann Fabrics.