1. Listen up, you fuck-crazy mongoloids:
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  2. We tried selling you top-shelf felt at bottom-shelf prices.
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  3. But guess what?
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  4. You kept blowing loads in it.
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  5. We get it. Felt's super soft.
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  6. It feels AH-MA-ZING when rubbed up against your swimsuit area.
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  7. But ol' Uncle Sam is coming down on us hard, claiming we're "promoting obscenity" by selling something our customers seem pathologically hell-bent of masturbating with.
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  8. So if your ass wants to buy some felt, your ass has to sign a legal document pledging to not fuck, suck, fondle, grope, fingerblast, rim or bukkake said felt.
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  9. We're not happy about it either.
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  10. In a perfect world, you sick motherfuckers should be free to ejaculate the water content of your body onto our top quality felt.
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  11. But we don't live in a perfect world. We live in this shitty one. So learn to fucking play along.
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  12. Felt starting at $1.99/yard with written pledge not to bust a nut all over it. Only at Jo-Ann Fabrics.
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