1. Good news, fuckbags!
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  2. Jo-Ann Fabrics have themselves a real life, 100% motherfucking authentic celebrity spokesman.
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  3. So please welcome Johnny "Football" Manziel to the Jo-Ann Fabrics family.
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  4. Yeah, we know what you're thinking:
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  5. "Seriously? The washed-up dipshit that failed his way out of a starting job with the Cleveland Browns?"
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  6. "Why the fuck would you sign a drunk, abusive, talentless piece of shit like Johnny Fuckin' Football?"
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  7. "This dude is the football equivalent of Ethan Couch. Wouldn't your money have been better served doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE?"
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  8. We'll hold onto your tits, 'cause we have some foolproof logic for y'all.
  9. WE ONLY HAD TO PAY HIM $80.
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  10. They say every man has his price, and Johnny Manziel's was eighty fucking dollars, American.
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  11. So are we going to trot him out to store openings, charity events and community celebrations?
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  13. We're letting this fuckin' crazy train out if the station wearing as much Jo-Ann Fabrics merch as the human body can carry.
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  14. Every time he takes a swing at a police horse, we'll be there.
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  15. Every time he smashes his Range Rover into a water park, we'll be there.
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  16. Every time he gets thrown out of a casino for wearing an elaborate disguise, you'd better fucking believe WE'LL BE THERE.
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  17. He may never make it to hell, but he sure as shit made it to Jo-Ann Fabrics.
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  18. Best $80 we ever spent.
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  19. All Cleveland Browns NFL Team Fabrics 80% off until July. Only at Jo-Ann Fabrics.
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