WE'VE SIGNED OUR FIRST CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT DEAL: WELCOME, JOHNNY MANZIEL, TO THE JO-ANN'S FAMILY

  1. Good news, fuckbags!
  2. Jo-Ann Fabrics have themselves a real life, 100% motherfucking authentic celebrity spokesman.
  3. So please welcome Johnny "Football" Manziel to the Jo-Ann Fabrics family.
  4. Yeah, we know what you're thinking:
  5. "Seriously? The washed-up dipshit that failed his way out of a starting job with the Cleveland Browns?"
  6. "Why the fuck would you sign a drunk, abusive, talentless piece of shit like Johnny Fuckin' Football?"
  7. "This dude is the football equivalent of Ethan Couch. Wouldn't your money have been better served doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE?"
  8. We'll hold onto your tits, 'cause we have some foolproof logic for y'all.
  9. WE ONLY HAD TO PAY HIM $80.
  10. They say every man has his price, and Johnny Manziel's was eighty fucking dollars, American.
  11. So are we going to trot him out to store openings, charity events and community celebrations?
  12. We're letting this fuckin' crazy train out if the station wearing as much Jo-Ann Fabrics merch as the human body can carry.
  13. Every time he takes a swing at a police horse, we'll be there.
  14. Every time he smashes his Range Rover into a water park, we'll be there.
  15. Every time he gets thrown out of a casino for wearing an elaborate disguise, you'd better fucking believe WE'LL BE THERE.
  16. He may never make it to hell, but he sure as shit made it to Jo-Ann Fabrics.
  17. Best $80 we ever spent.
  18. All Cleveland Browns NFL Team Fabrics 80% off until July. Only at Jo-Ann Fabrics.