The Onion Articles I Want Written Please

I thought of the titles now someone else write them
  1. Obama Meets Trudeau and now We’re All Wet
  2. Intelligent Woman Who Gave Trump a Blowjob in College Filled with Self Loathing, Can’t Stop Eating Ice Cream
  3. Heidi Cruz College Friends Make Her ReThink Everything Over Drinks at an Italian Restaurant
  4. High School Senior who got into Harvard can’t stop telling people he got into Harvard
  5. Bernie Sanders Takes a Shit: Teens Everywhere Applaud Him
  6. Canada prepares for influx of Americans after the election: Starts manufacturing size XXXL clothing
  7. 27 year old decides it’s time to stop eating cheese sticks
  8. Trump ties a Mexican child to a chair, pees on him, crowd goes wild
  9. College Guy insecure about his masculinity, pretends to hate Appletinis, cries in the shower later