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Every father needs a good ole war.
  1. Vietnam
    He talks about boats a lot for a man who doesn't own a boat.
  2. Korean War
    He still complains about AMC not showing as many westerns as they used to.
  3. World War II
    He was PISSED when Borders went out of business.
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Note: It was the Garfunkel and Oates song "The Fade Away."
  1. Do non-parents e-mail videos to people?
  2. They're gonna love this.
  3. Do non-uncles e-mail videos to people?
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Come at me, Ken Kratz.
  1. Bowling a perfect game.
  2. Instagram location tag, since you can't put any ole label no more.
  3. Describing a Conan sketch I watched live years ago and the detectives can't find it online anywhere.
  4. Having an interaction with a cashier that's so awkward they HAVE to remember it.
I'm not making these. That's not my job.
  1. "Terminator 2: Judgement Day"
    Sarah Connor looking depressed as she eats a hamburger. I don't know how to make GIFs and refuse to learn.
  2. "Bon Voyage Charlie Brown"
    Snoopy and Woodstock cracking up at an in-flight movie. All I'm saying is that these seem like GIFs you would see around the internet if someone would take the time to make them. Someone who isn't me.
  3. "While You Were Sleeping"
    That paperboy falling off his bike. So funny. Not funny enough for me to download HandBrake and start making my own GIFs.
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There's no mic drop emoji, but here are seven people who are owed one.
  1. "It's like giving a glass of water to somebody in hell."
    Steve Jobs regarding iTunes being used on Windows software. (Source: "Steve Jobs" by Walter Isaacson)
  2. "The Andrew Lloyd Webber Memorial Pool"
    The name Patti Lupone gave to her indoor pool after suing ALW. (Source: The New York Times)
  3. "Medium talent!"
    Bill Murray to Chevy Chase backstage at SNL during an argument. (Source: general American folklore?)
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The rest is on a floppy disc somewhere in my parent's house.
  1. It was going to be about them reuniting at their high school reunion.
  2. Ally Sheedy is now a therapist. It's hinted that the roles have reversed and she is now sleeping with a patient.
  3. Emilio has become a wrestling coach at a different high school.
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I double checked. NADA. Mary Kay Place almost snuck by me!
  1. William H. Macy
    Role that never was: Toby's old college roommate.
  2. David Straithen
    Role that never was: southern Democrat with an accent that Josh consistently makes fun of.
  3. Colm Meaney
    Role that never was: ex-boyfriend of Abbey who got better grades than Jeb at Notre Dame.
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(In descending order)
  1. 2 sentences
  2. 1 paragraph
  3. 1 sentence
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