11 Things I Won't Miss About the Olympics

  1. 1.
    Ryan Lochte
    Fast swimmer. Knucklehead. National embarrassment.
  2. 2.
    Sexist Commentary
    But I loved all the attention it got.
  3. 3.
    Divers' Swimsuits
    I don't need to see David's Boudia. Or anyone else's Boudia for that matter.
  4. 4.
    Justin Gatlin
    Fast runner, doper, screw-up, excuse-maker.
  5. 5.
    The Narrative of Simone's Supremacy
    Nothing against Simone Biles -- she's terrific -- but the announcers often celebrated her awesomeness like it was the only reason we tuned in.
  6. 6.
    Michael Phelps
    Sorry, but I still think his return was selfish.
  7. 7.
    The Balance Beam
    Still the most difficult, nerve-wracking, harrowing, and thus hard-to-watch event of them all.
  8. 8.
    Runners "Pulling Up" in Early Heats
    They don't really need the "rest" and other runners are giving their all just to make the finals, so it's disrespectful showboating. I don't see other Olympic competitors thinking, "I got this in the bag so I'll stop competing so hard."
  9. 9.
    Covering Aly Raisman's Parents
    Enough! They're not from another planet.
  10. 10.
    Women's Beach Volleyball Shorts
    If the men are wearing board shorts, why do the women have to wear these?
  11. 11.
    Equestrian Events, Especially Dressage and Eventing
    Who deserves that medal the most? The horse of course.