1. change your password from "1234" to "12345"
  2. avoid anyone with the username "the hacker"
  3. upon logging into Facebook loudly yell "Mark Zuckerberg, don't worry it's really me!" to avoid any confusion on their end
  4. wear a condom
  5. create usernames that would make anyone feel bad about targeting you, such as "PearlHarborVeteran" or "FamousSuperBowlHero"
  6. on your first day of using the internet, find the biggest hacker, walk right up to them and punch them in the nose
  7. manage your money so poorly that there's never any to be stolen online