ADVICE I WOULD GIVE TO MYSELF

  1. Joe.
  2. We've known each other for a long time, you and I.
  3. We're friends.
  4. So you know
  5. That when I say these things
  6. They are meant to be constructive.
  7. Ok here goes.
  8. You need to stop buying those muffins from Kroger. They are way too moist and you just can't keep ignoring that. Just take the extras two minutes and make cereal in the morning.
  9. I knowwwwwww it's your way of winding down, but the amount of TV you watch is bordering on unhealthy. You are an adult now. Eventually you need to start getting out and socializing more. When you get more money. So actually, you're good right where you are for now.
  10. You have got to go to the gym more. I know that's cliche, and I know your metabolism currently burns with the fuel of a thousand suns, but that will not always be the case.
  11. On that note, you need to start eating vegetables that aren't just carrots. I know you have no kitchen and only a mini fridge to work with. Figure something out.
  12. Don't try to be proactive and run before eating breakfast again. Ever.
  13. Going to the movie theater twice in one weekend is fun and I know it's your absolute most favorite thing to do, but maybe not every weekend.
  14. Keep reading your damn book. Don't become a person who doesn't read books. Remember last weekend when you went to the park and laid down on that hill and read for like three hours and that tiny dog came up and licked you and jumped over your face? Remember how chill that was? Keep doing that.
  15. Buy yourself some beers when you finally get some money. And then drink it all in one sitting when you get home because there's no damn way any of it is fitting in your mini fridge.