EVERY COMPUTER GAME I PLAYED AS A KID, RANKED
Bless the age of the CD Rom. Windows 98 or DIE.
- •The Oregon Trail IIThe Oregon Trail is like Monopoly. Everyone has played it, it takes forever, few people have seen the ending, and Sarah just died of dysentery.
- •Magic School Bus: Inside the EarthThe lame Magic School Bus game. I DON'T CARE ABOUT PUMICE, KEESHA.
- •Jump Start 1st Grade AdvancedYou had to go around this little town made of anthropomorphic animals, doing little tasks for them so they would give you upgrades so you could trick out your scooter so you could beat the mean weasel in the big scooter race. It's like, I AM DEFENDING YOUR TOWN AND YOUR HONOR, LITTLE CRITTER, CAN I AT LEAST GET A PEANUT ROCKET LAUNCHER UPGRADE WITHOUT ORGANIZING THE BOOKS IN YOUR DAMN LIBRARY EVERY SINGLE TIME.
- •Gizmos and GadgetsIf you didn't have a fiberglass body on your car when it came time to race the bad guy THEN YOU WERE LOWER THAN GARBAGE.
- •Magic School Bus: DinosaursThe semi-ok Magic School Bus game
- •Pajama Sam: No Need to Hide When It's Dark OutsideSo we didn't actually own this game, our neighbors down the street owned it, and I broke into their house once when no one was there because I wanted to play it so bad. I don't want to talk about it.
- •Pajama Sam: Thunder and Lightening Aren't So FrighteningI SAID I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
- •Jump Start 5th GradeOk nowwww we are getting into the good shit. You play a spunky tomboy private eye pre-teen who skateboards around her noir-ish town, solving puzzles and collecting hardware and exploring museums and interacting with all sorts of weird back-alley types. And also diffusing terrorist bombs. Every now and then. I finished this entire game once when I was sick and it is still one of my crowning achievements.
- •Age of EmpiresMy first "violent" computer game. Got kinda weird once we realized that there were certain cheat codes you could enter that would give you, among other things, a giant baby riding a tricycle and carrying a bazooka that was basically unstoppable.
- •Magic School Bus: SpaceThe littttttt Magic School Bus game. Except for effing Janet.
- •This Carmen Sandiego game we got out of a Pop Tart boxOh this game was insane. It always amazed me that the franchise was named after the villain. And for coming out of a breakfast food box, this game was freakin intennnnnse. Your job was to rescue a bunch of agents, one at a time, from this Tower of Babel prison thing, by teleporting all over the world and solving puzzles and stealing things at a bunch of villain hideouts. And sometimes the villains almost caught you and that shit was A DAMN RUSH LIKE NO OTHER.
- •Zoo TycoonInsanely addictive and fun, plus you get paid $10,000 whenever your pandas get it on.
- •Stronghold CrusaderOne of the bad guys said the word "damn" as part of their surrender monologue, and I consider that the beginning of my adult life.
- •Roller Coaster Tycoon DeluxeAn absolute unbeatable classic. My Arid Heights parks were WORKS OF ART.