THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER THAT WAS MY SOCCER CAREER ⚽️

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  1. HIGH
    I start soccer at age 8. Our team is called the Dragons. Our coach is the high school Spanish teacher. I am unsure as to the legitimacy of her coaching credentials, but we win some games. I am a HARD striker.
  2. LOW
    I have two pretty unmemorable seasons after that. I think I was on a team called the Sharks at one point.
  3. HIGH
    I join Fun Coach's team for two seasons. Fun times and brownies are had by all. I develop a reputation as a badass corner kicker in the under-12 league.
  4. LOW
    In a true Game of Thrones-esque moment, I betray Fun Coach and sign up for Hard Coach's more serious, focused team. The echoes of this betrayal haunt me to this day.
  5. HIGH
    I stay with Hard Coach up until high school. It's tough but rewarding. I maintain my dominant position as the Right Wing of the team.
  6. LOW
    We move up to the bigger field for older kids. I get stung by a bee.
  7. HIGH
    During a game, my teammate crosses me a perfect ball right in front of the goal, and I say fuck it and go for gold. The gods smile upon me. I head the ball into the goal. It's the most badass thing anyone has ever seen. 3 elderly people in the sideline crowd have to be taken away on ambulance stretchers.
  8. LOW
    High school. After a week of brutal tryouts, I do not make the team. I die on the inside, but in the back of my mind I'm thanking God that I will never have to run a suicide outside in January ever again.
  9. HIGH
    Turns out I did make the team, and the coach just forgot to add my name to the list. So this sort of isn't a high.
  10. LOW
    I score maybe twice during my entire freshman year, and high school soccer is scary because you sometimes play against people like 4 years older than you.
  11. HIGH
    I became a sub for the varsity team during sophomore year.
  12. LOW
    The position I sub for is Right Defense, because my coach tells me in no uncertain terms that I am not fast enough to play anything else. You know who starts as Right Defense? My brother, who is in the grade above me. We could have probably gotten a Disney Channel Original Movie out of that if we had played our cards right.
  13. HIGH
    Our team is like, really, really good for a few years, and everyone is kinda surprised, and I don't have to play that much but I still get awesome bench seats.
  14. 🚨🚨🚨ALL TIME LOW🚨🚨🚨
    Junior year. The day of reckoning. Our team travels for an away game, and we stop at Chick fil A along the way, as per usual. Everyone is having a great time and getting ready to leave. I go to use the bathroom. I come out of the bathroom. The bus is gone. I have to use a nice lady's cell phone to call my brother and inform him that I am still at Chick fil A. By this time, they have already gotten to the field. I never live this moment down. This moment is my UCHS soccer legacy.
  15. HIGH
    I think we won the game that day.
  16. LOW
    I become a senior, and I also become a starter, meaning I have to play pretty much every second of every game.
  17. HIGH
    I get used to playing more, and even develop some sweet skillz.
  18. LOW
    People still bring up the fiasco of 2010 every time we go to a Chick fil A, which is a lot. It's our bus driver's favorite restaurant.
  19. 🚨🚨🚨ALL TIME HIGH🚨🚨🚨
    Senior Night. I get the first and only card of my entire soccer career, for basically pile driving a kid on the other team. It's badass, but it's also just a yellow card, so it's like a safe badass. The referee says I have to go out, so I do, and I get a bunch of high fives when I get to the bench.
  20. WE HAVE NOW REACHED THE END OF THE RIDE, PLEASE EXIT TO THE LEFT AND FEEL FREE TO PURCHASE THE PHOTO WE TOOK OF YOU DURING THE CHICK FIL A PART
    I play indoor and outdoor intramural soccer all four years of college. I am inconsistently okay at best, but I yell a lot and provide comic relief.
  21. ⚽️BALL IS LYFE⚽️