Please keep your hands and arms inside the cart at all time.
  1. HIGH
    I start soccer at age 8. Our team is called the Dragons. Our coach is the high school Spanish teacher. I am unsure as to the legitimacy of her coaching credentials, but we win some games. I am a HARD striker.
  2. LOW
    I have two pretty unmemorable seasons after that. I think I was on a team called the Sharks at one point.
  3. HIGH
    I join Fun Coach's team for two seasons. Fun times and brownies are had by all. I develop a reputation as a badass corner kicker in the under-12 league.
  4. LOW
    In a true Game of Thrones-esque moment, I betray Fun Coach and sign up for Hard Coach's more serious, focused team. The echoes of this betrayal haunt me to this day.
  5. HIGH
    I stay with Hard Coach up until high school. It's tough but rewarding. I maintain my dominant position as the Right Wing of the team.
  6. LOW
    We move up to the bigger field for older kids. I get stung by a bee.
  7. HIGH
    During a game, my teammate crosses me a perfect ball right in front of the goal, and I say fuck it and go for gold. The gods smile upon me. I head the ball into the goal. It's the most badass thing anyone has ever seen. 3 elderly people in the sideline crowd have to be taken away on ambulance stretchers.
  8. LOW
    High school. After a week of brutal tryouts, I do not make the team. I die on the inside, but in the back of my mind I'm thanking God that I will never have to run a suicide outside in January ever again.
  9. HIGH
    Turns out I did make the team, and the coach just forgot to add my name to the list. So this sort of isn't a high.
  10. LOW
    I score maybe twice during my entire freshman year, and high school soccer is scary because you sometimes play against people like 4 years older than you.
  11. HIGH
    I became a sub for the varsity team during sophomore year.
  12. LOW
    The position I sub for is Right Defense, because my coach tells me in no uncertain terms that I am not fast enough to play anything else. You know who starts as Right Defense? My brother, who is in the grade above me. We could have probably gotten a Disney Channel Original Movie out of that if we had played our cards right.
  13. HIGH
    Our team is like, really, really good for a few years, and everyone is kinda surprised, and I don't have to play that much but I still get awesome bench seats.
  14. 🚨🚨🚨ALL TIME LOW🚨🚨🚨
    Junior year. The day of reckoning. Our team travels for an away game, and we stop at Chick fil A along the way, as per usual. Everyone is having a great time and getting ready to leave. I go to use the bathroom. I come out of the bathroom. The bus is gone. I have to use a nice lady's cell phone to call my brother and inform him that I am still at Chick fil A. By this time, they have already gotten to the field. I never live this moment down. This moment is my UCHS soccer legacy.
  15. HIGH
    I think we won the game that day.
  16. LOW
    I become a senior, and I also become a starter, meaning I have to play pretty much every second of every game.
  17. HIGH
    I get used to playing more, and even develop some sweet skillz.
  18. LOW
    People still bring up the fiasco of 2010 every time we go to a Chick fil A, which is a lot. It's our bus driver's favorite restaurant.
  19. 🚨🚨🚨ALL TIME HIGH🚨🚨🚨
    Senior Night. I get the first and only card of my entire soccer career, for basically pile driving a kid on the other team. It's badass, but it's also just a yellow card, so it's like a safe badass. The referee says I have to go out, so I do, and I get a bunch of high fives when I get to the bench.
    I play indoor and outdoor intramural soccer all four years of college. I am inconsistently okay at best, but I yell a lot and provide comic relief.
  21. ⚽️BALL IS LYFE⚽️