THE PLOTS OF EACH OF THE "SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS" BOOKS BASED ON MY MEMORY ALONE

#Bless this beautiful series, but holy hell, I cannot remember half the things that happen.
  1. 1.
    The Bad Beginning
    The children's parents die in a fire. Their social worker is criminally bad at his job. Their guardian is an actual criminal. The ending is super depressing.
  2. 2.
    The Reptile Room
    The snake is good. Herpetology is the study of snakes. There's a funny Virginia Wolfe joke. Uncle Monty is the best and the children are so happy. Olaf comes with a knife. Uncle Monty dies under bullshit circumstances. The ending is super depressing.
  3. 3.
    The Wide Window
    The lake that they live on is big enough to have its own hurricanes. What fictional planet is this series set on? Meryl Streep plays the movie version of Aunt Josephine. How the hell did they land that one. Jo is scared of everything. Jo writes a pretty sick secret code if I'm being honest. The kids learn how to sail. Jo gets eaten by leeches. The ending is super depressing.
  4. 4.
    The Miserable Mill
    I remember next to nothing about this book. Klaus gets hypnotized? Count Olaf cross dresses. The Mr. Sir guy is always covered in smoke so you can't see his face. I think they're at a lumber mill? The ending is super depressing, probably.
  5. 5.
    The Austere Academy
    The Quagmire triplets! Every adult in this book is clinically insane! Count Olaf makes the kids run laps! Carmelita can seriously fuck off! The orphans have to sleep in a shack. The ending is super depressing.
  6. 6.
    The Ersatz Elevator
    I wanna say that this is the book where all the VFD action really starts coming into play. We meet Esme, the Bellatrix to Olaf's Voldemort. There is an elevator. The Quagmires are trapped at the bottom of the elevator? Something about a sugar bowl. The ending is super depressing.
  7. 7.
    The Vile Village
    An entire village of horrible old people and crows, except for one nice guy who wants to fly away in a hot air balloon. The Quagmires are trapped in the fountain for like the whole book. The kids escape from jail by pouring water on the bricks until the mortar comes loose. Everyone almost gets away. I think the kids are framed for murder in this one. The ending is super depressing.
  8. 8.
    The Hostile Hospital
    I don't even fucking know. They're in a half finished hospital that definitely does not meet any realistic health codes. Violet almost gets operated on. The ending is super depressing because they end up in the trunk of someone's car.
  9. 9.
    The Carnivorous Carnival
    It starts out with them in the trunk of a car. They are disguised as circus performers like, this whole book. The VFD storyline really begins to pick up. The fortune teller lady gets eaten by lions. The ending is super depressing but also this is where the series reeeeally starts to get good.
  10. 10.
    The Slippery Slope
    Ok now we're in a fictional version of the Himalayas. We come across fuckkkkking Carmelita again but we also come across QUIGLEY THE THIRD QUAGMIRE TRIPLET OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS QUIGLEY IS ALIVE AND HE AND VIOLET ARE CRUSHING HARD. Sunny starts to blossom from a biting baby to a toddler chef. We get to the mysterious abandoned VFD headquarters in the snow, and find out more about Olaf and the Baudelaire's parents. It ends with everyone almost drowning in an icy river. Juicy, depressing stuff.
  11. 11.
    The Grim Grotto
    This whole book is set on a submarine, there are poisonous mushrooms, and the one girl Klaus has liked this entire series kind of betrays him. This book is bullshit. And depressing.
  12. 12.
    The Penultimate Peril
    This book rocks. Every single awful major character from the series gathers together for some reason at this hotel, and then in the plot twist of our GENERATION, the kids team up with none other than Count Olaf himself, and they burn that shit to the ground and make a quick ocean getaway. Plus, we get it meet Kit Snicket, fictional sister of the author. So weird. So awesome. Still pretty depressing.
  13. 13.
    The End
    The kids and Olaf arrive at a mysterious island full of mysterious people that all have connections to their parents. A harpoon is in the mix. People have babies. People die. Some people do both. Some form closure is had by all. Beatrice. The ending is... hopeful?
  14. 14.
    Chapter Fourteen
    OR IS IT?