Those 7 New Planets, Ranked

Science: We may have discovered alien life. Joe: How can I make this about me...
  1. 8.
    For reference:
  2. 7.
    Planet D
    D has the look of a planet that tries way too hard to seem good looking and inhabitable, but can't ever completely hide its barren wasteland roots. Maybe if it had just embraced its desolate surface and owned it, it would have my respect.
  3. 6.
    Planet B
    You gotta give it to B - its life sucks. It's literally 3 inches away from the star it orbits, and as a result, it's surface resembles a diseased tangerine. Call me shallow but I can't justify it being any higher on this list.
  4. 5.
    Planet E
    Oh you thought the hawt one would be higher up? You thought the one that looked super inhabitable and Earth-like would receive my sympathy? AHAHAHA YOU THOUGHT. E is in the prime of its life and it's never looked better. But guess what. It's never going to look better either. This is the top of the roller coaster for E, climate change is nigh, and it's all downhill towards D-ville from here. Enjoy those sexy weather formations while you can.
  5. 4.
    Planet C
    Boring as hell but solid and relatable. C will never let you down or change. The Hufflepuff of the Trappist solar system.
  6. 3.
    Planet H
    LET H LIVE, IT'S NOT PLUTO, STOP COMPARING IT TO PLUTO, IT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT THING AND YOU DON'T HAVE ALL THE FACTS.
  7. 2.
    Planet F
    F is E's mature-for-its-age younger sibling that is just getting started on life while E slowly fades from the spotlight. It knows what it wants in life and isn't as obsessed with self-image. It just wants to get a degree, find a nice planet, and settle down and have a few moons. F is reliable and strong and gives great advice.
  8. 1.
    Planet G
    G is a gentle giant that is lowkey better than all the rest but accepts that it sometimes gets written off because its size makes it the "obvious" choice. It's there for all the other planets at their best and worst, and sees greatness in them despite any flaws. But it also knows the importance of having dreams of its own (it likes to bounce a few startup ideas off F and C every now and then). G is inspiring, classically pretty, and undoubtedly the planet that has alien life. Calling it now.