Top 5 Most Physically Painful Moments of My Life

  1. 5.
    Taking a soccer ball directly to the crotch
    This goes without saying. #soccerprobs.
  2. 4.
    When I slammed my thumb in a desk drawer while selling ham at a mall kiosk
    I had to turn around really quickly and mouth fuckkkkkk like ten times because I think there was a customer standing right in front of me. Fun fact, this happened like 6 months ago and it caused blood to gather right underneath the base of my fingernail, and that blood spot finally made it all the way to the top this past month, so now I know how fast my fingernails grow!
  3. 3.
    This one time last summer when I just woke up and I couldn't move my neck back and forth and it lasted for like 4 days and I would just get these waves of pain that would just pulse through my neck and shoulders and blur my vision
    Still don't know what caused this one. Aliens are a theory tho.
  4. 2.
    Getting sleep paralysis a few times during senior year of high school
    Ok this one wasn't exactly physically painful, but holy crap was it scary and stressful. I would basically fall asleep and then I would wake up, but not be able to move my body or speak for about 10-15 minutes each time. Good thing the Internet exists, because if I didn't know that this was a thing that happened to other people, I'd probably think I was being possessed and/or glitching in and out of the matrix.
  5. 1.
    Getting several shots in my big toe so they could numb it and fix the toenail
    This happened a few times over the course of high school/college. #soccerprobs. It might seem like a pretty insignificant part of the body, but the skin on your toe is verrrrry thin and the nerves are verrrrry sensitive and the needle needs to go in verrrrry deep. This was like hold-my-hand-mom-level pain.