MY IDIOT CAT'S FAVORITE ACTIVITIES (PRE-5AM)

  1. Bite my fingers
    In his defense, they do somewhat resemble little sausages.
  2. Attack my shoes
    One Nike high top is so far under my bed that I've given up on it entirely.
  3. Knock everything off the nightstand
    Only the clock radio remains
  4. Try to poison me
    I get that nature calls but, like, he could save a BM or two for the afternoon.
  5. Climb into the gatbage
    I don't get it. There's nothing in there but garbage.
  6. Talk incessantly about my ex-girlfriend
    Okay this isn't exactly "true" but it feels like it, you know?
  7. Guarantee I'm wide awake by 6:30a
    Particularly great on weekends.