He's a trust fund kid with a gigantic Bed Stuy apt. He hired what he kept calling "entertainment" for his birthday brunch. Here's what it was like.
  1. He had said his budget was $200 for "entertainment"
    He had me come down to 100 because he didn't want to spend more than 200 on "entertainment". But the opera singer he had lined up backed out and he said he'd throw me her half if I doubled my set as well as pay for my cab fair. This was all decided thru email.
  2. I arrived and smooth EDM was playing. Artisan snacks, bottomless rosé. A girl in a 300 dollar dress and a shaved head greeted me.
    There were 500 frittatas. And everyone kept saying the word frittata.
  3. A girl with a lot of concealer introduced herself as the birthday boy's roommate and told me about how they have a giant closet that they let "vagabonds" live in.
    "They don't have to pay rent as long as they promise to get a job and move out eventually." But soon they'll start to put the closet on air bnb.
  4. I start drinking out of extreme social discomfort.
  5. Sorority girl says she knows @anuvalia from somewhere. Asks if it's from her sorority. Anu says she was definitely not in an NYU sorority. She says "Oh well I did just go to India maybe that's where I saw you!"
    Anu was raised as an American by Indian parents. And has not been India in the past decade.
  6. I play my set.
    And the concealer girl stands in front of me texting the entire time. After one of my songs the birthday boy literally says "More rosé anyone?" People start talking over the music and I don't give a fuck because I need this money. And this is my job.
  7. I apologized to the birthday boy for playing songs about complex relationships at his birthday.
    He said "It suits me. You know, I like to have fun but sometimes I just say OK REAL TALK"
  8. I finish the set. I go with @anuvalia upstairs to pee.
  9. We peep some of the bedrooms.
    They're huge. Someone says to the birthday boy "I love your room. It's so IKEA." Birthday boy says "Ew, I hope not."
    9e0cf78f 36a9 400d 8a0f a6c3cdd26c08
    Its a storage closet. It's TINY. The size of a twin mattress. Full of clothes. A tiny mattress covered in suitcases. Zero standing room. There's no way to really describe.
  11. We burst out laughing.
    Then realize the closet is FULL of designer clothes. Prada, Gucci, Bowler Hats, Sequin belts, leopard loafers. We understand why he can't pay his rent. And we start crying because we can't stop laughing. Then realize how scared we are and decide to leave immediately.
  12. We find the birthday boy to say goodbye.
    (And get paid) We're by the door. He's just "vaped". I say thanks and show him my cab receipt. He says oh I dunno here's $150 and shoves us both out the door.
  13. Thanks for the doucheiest day of my life. 💋💋💋💋
    You make your parents proud.